How to Tick off Fullmetal
by Amerachan
Summary: A bad day and a mysterious package. Lessons on how to tick off everyone's favorite Fullmetal Pipsqueak! Rated for language. New chapter FINALLY up!
1. Default Chapter

Ed was angry. Even more than before. He had just visited Mustang, who he swore knew every way under the sun to piss him off.

"Geez, the man should write a book," Ed complained. "And he should call it, 'How to tick of Fullmetal.'"

Al sighed. Ed was always in a bad mood when he reported to Mustang. ALWAYS. But he supposed that was in part the Colonel's fault. He just wouldn't let Ed alone about his height. But Ed shouldn't let those things get to him.

"Brother," Al said. "Please, try to cool off. It's not a big deal. Don't make such a fuss over tiny things."

"TINY!" Ed bellowed. "IT'S NOT TINY TO ME!"

"Ok, ok," Al said holding up his hands, defeated. He decided it was probably a good time to change the subject. "So, what should we do now?"

"I dunno. We've read every Alchemy book in the library already, the trains aren't running today, and we have no missions."

"There's a park near here, isn't there?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Let's go there then. Please?" Al pleaded. Despite clanking around in the armour all the time, he still enjoyed such small things, and he wanted to see the birds.

He laughed. Al could be such a kid sometimes. "Ok, let's go."

"YAY!" Al jumped up roughly two inches and darted off in the direction of the park.

Ed's eyes widened. All these years, Al had complained that Ed ran too fast, but here he was, going like, 50 MPH on foot, inthe 25 MPH road that led to the Eastern HQ building.

"What the hell! Al! Get back here!" he bellowed as he too broke out into a run.

But Al was already at the park, laughing and looking at the garden. It was these kind of days when things seemed so simple, like nothing really mattered. He swore that he could almost feel the warmth of the sun as it beat down on the mid afternoon day.

"Look, brother!" Al chimed indicating the flowers when Ed finally reached the park. "Aren't the pretty?"

Exhausted, Ed plopped on the ground, breathing heavily and laughed. "Yeah, Al. They're sure something."

"Kinda like what mom used to grow, ne?"

"Yeah, I suppose. I don't remember her gardens much anymore."

Then, as luck would have it, Roy wandered into the park, spotting Fullmetal, and giving his usual smirk.

"Even the flowers look taller than you, Fullmetal," he said arrogantly.

"Damn it, Roy! Where do you get this stuff, anyways?"

"This book I wrote. 'How to tick off Fullmetal'"

"I seriously hate you," Ed spat acidly.

"I hate you too, Fullmetal. You waste too much government money breaking things. Have some consideratoin as to where that money comes from, would you?"

"No! I just do what you tell me to do and things end up broken. So too bad!"

Roy sighed. Fullmetal was a hotheaded idiot.

"Fine. Just stop making me file reports to pay for your damage."

Ed tackled Roy, chewing on his arm.

"I know you're a dog of the military, Fullmetal, but you don't have to make it literal," Roy said with a grin.

Realizing the situation, he jumpe off Roy and slammed him in the head. "Geez, Roy. You know how to make a guy's day."

"Thanks, I thought I did well."

"Go away."

"Do me a favor Fullmetal, would you?" Roy asked innocently.

"What?"

"See, there's this gift I want to give Riza," he said holding up a small bag. "But I'm rather busy right now. Would you mind going to her house and delivering it to her?"

He blinked. What was Roy planning this time?

"Sure. What's in the bag?" he asked, taking it from Roy.

"A secret. You're not permitted to open it. Understand?"

"Whatever."

"Good. Alphonse, I trust you will make sure he doesn't open it?"

"Will do," Al replied with a playfull salute.

"Good. Then there's just one more thing. Ed, you are not to tell her it's from me."

"Why?" Ed asked suspiciously.

"Because I said so."

Ed scoffed and left the park with Al close behind.

* * *

"What do you suppose is in it?" Ed asked his brother, regarding the bag.

"I dunno, I suppose we'll find out soon."

After walking along for about ten minutes, the Elric brothers reached Riza Hawkeye's house and knocked on the door. She came after a couple of minutes with a bathrobe on and a towel over her hair.

"Yes?" she asked dully.

"This is for you," Ed said holding up the bag.

She opened it and took out...a pink, lace fringed miniskirt.

"Is this an idea of a joke for you boys?" she demanded.

"No I- Mustang...he...and you...gah!"

Ed was interrupted by the couch being flown into his face.

Almost as if on cue, Roy walked past, laughing.

"You should watching what you give to a woman, Fullmetal!"

"Damn you, Mustang!" came Ed's muffled voice.

And with that, Ed decided that today was the day that Mustang was going to regret.

* * *

ok, this was completely random! Please don't kill me! I had nothing to do today, so I cam eand started writing. Don't kill me if it sucks/).(\ 


	2. Lesson 1

Ok, well, I wasn't gonna do this, but I got so many reviews asking for more, so...well as they say, give the fans a show, ne?

* * *

How to Tick off Fullmetal: (written by Roy Mustang)

Lesson 1: _When attempting to tick off Fullmetal, it is important to bring up his height._

Example: April 27:

Roy Mustang walked into work to find Edward Elric standing in front of his office door, pacing.

"Can I help you, Fullmetal?" Roy asked with his usual smirk.

"Yeah, you can tell me why the hell you had me deliver a miniskirt to Riza!" Ed bellowed. Everyone else in the building silenced.

"That's simple, Fullmetal. I needed a good laugh and you're easy to fool. That's all there is to it," he pushed passed Ed, unlocking the door to his office and stepping inside.

Ed followed him, slamming the door behind him, standing in front of Roy's desk, as the Colonel walked calmly to it and sat down. After a few minutes of observing the amount of paperwork, he looked back up at Ed, and he could have sworn he say steam coming from his ears.

"Wow, I almost didn't see you there. What with your height and all, it almost looked like the desk was taller."

"DAMN IT ROY! GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!" Ed screamed, infuriated. There was still a big red mark where the desk had nailed him in the face the day before.

"Yes, well. Don't blame me if you're vertically challenged," Roy said ignoring the boy as he shifted in his chair searching the desk drawers for a pen.

"Verti- WHAT! Where do you get this stuff anyways?"

"I told you already. I wrote a book. It's all about ticking you off," Roy said casually.

"What kind of Moron writes a book about pissing off other people!"

"Well, I'd say me, but I'm not a moron. I wrote it over the years that I've known you, and as a matter of fact, I add to it every day. I like to experiment with what words and actions really make you blow."

"IS THAT A FRICKIN' HOBBY OR SOMETHING!"

"Yes. Yes it is. Besides staring at swimsuit magazines, that it was I do in my free time."

Ed's face dropped from ten levels up the anger scale to a wide-eyed look of both fear for his sanity and disbelief of the Colonel's words. Frustrated, he sighed and turned to walk out of the room.

"Oh, Edward," Roy said before Ed had a chance to slam the door.

Ed turned around in time to catch a small medicine bottle.

"What's this?" he asked, thoroughly curious.

"Growing pills," Roy replied with a look of absolute seriousness on his face. "Take those with some milk, and I might actually be able to see you past my desk next time."

Instead of an answer, Roy received the pain of the pill bottle slamming into his skull as the door slammed shut behind Edward. Despite the pain in his forehead, Roy couldn't help but chuckle to himself. He took out the manuscript for the book, 'How to Tick Off Fullmetal,' and wrote:

_However, when poking fun at the size of the Pint-Sized Alchemist, be prepared to endure head injuries and minor concussions. Despite the pain, it is certainly worth it._

* * *

Ok, I know, that's kinda weird, but you wanted more! I figure I'll add more Lessons, having Roy have interviewed those Ed has come in contact with and adding those encounters. Or something like that. Anyways, more is certain to come as I am sure to continue being random! As a side note for those of you who are like me and live in an alternate reality surrounded by anime people, the book 'How to Tick Off Fullmetal' currently on sale, and it's lessons really work! 


	3. Lesson 2

towers over in angry voice Do you people really like this crap? Hahaha, I'm joking. I wanna thank all you who are sending reviews. You're giving me so many ideas! I'll twist them in the best ways I can, and I'm good at that! My friend and I once stayed up til 3 am designing a muilti anime Miss America contest. Hoooweee! Enjoy Lesson 2!

* * *

How to Tick Off Fullmetal (by Roy Mustang)

Lesson 2: _Give him missions that make him look as incredibly stupid as the mission itself._

Example: August 19;

Roy Mustang sits at his desk, his hands massaging his temples. It had already been a long day, and it was only seven in the morning!

* * *

It all started at six ten this morning. Normally, Colonel Roy Mustang awoke at five thirty, because it allowed him enough time to do everything he needed to and be into work by six thirty. His alarm clock was too damn lazy to go off this morning. Well, actually, he had forgotten to set the thing the night before, but he couldn't blame it on himself. He was the Colonel, and he was _him _after all, and Roy Mustang could not be wrong.

So anways, when his obsidian eyes fluttered opened and glanced at the clock, he shot off the bed, nearly forcing the covers into a ricochet across the room. Grabbing the clock, he shook it, grumbling and screaming.

"Why didn't you ring, darn it! Why! You were supposed to go off you cheap, dime store worthless peice of crap!"

After pacing the floor with the clock in his hand as though waiting for it to answer, he realized that he was just wasting more time, so he threw the clock onto the floor and searched the adjoining bathroom for his clothes. It was after roughly three minutes of searching that he realized he had put his uniform in the wash. He would have to use his spare.

Getting dressed, he went over the route to the office in his mind, realizing that it took about 10 minutes to get there. Frustrated, he darted out the door with having breakfast.

Arriving at work, his hair was unkempt and he was breathing heavily, but he was on time, so at least he had that going for him. He walked as calmly as he could to his desk and sat down, taking a spare comb from the drawer. He ran it through twice, making it look at least halfway decent. But now he was hungry.

* * *

So his morning sucked. Really really bad. But he wasn't without humor. In fact, he had a special plan. Ed was supposed to come in today. Roy had recently given him a somewhat silly mission. He could have done it, sure, but to have Ed do an undercover mission dressed as a clown was a great idea.

And sure enough, Edward came bursting into the room, his face as red as the squeeky round nose that went with his costume, seen clearly behind the white face paint. Roy covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

"You think this is funny!" Ed screamed.

Unable to contain it anymore, Roy gave Ed his answer in the form of a loud, silly laugh.

"Yes," Roy breathed out after about 5 minutes of tear jerking laughs.

"Of course you would. You're a sick, sadistic freak."

"You know," Roy said as he stood, observing Ed's disguise. "The size of those clown shoes almost, not quite, but almost make you look taller."

Ed growled and flung a shoe at him, which nailed him square in the forehead.

"No need to be so rash, Fullmetal," Roy said, rubbing his forehead.

"Yeah, well stop being an idiot."

"I'm not. That's a very funny look."

"I mean about giving me missions like this!"

"Why? I think it's very funny. Observe. HAVOC!" Roy called.

"Yes Si-" Havoc stopped and instantly fell onto the floor rolling with laughter at the site of Ed. Somehow, that guy managed to keep his cigarette lit the entire time. How the hell could he do that?

Ed screamed as Havoc nearly guffawed himself into choking on the cigarette and grabbed Mustang by the stomach of his shirt, since he couldn't reach the collar.

"Damn it Mustang! Stop giving me missions like this!"

"Why?"

"I feel like an idiot! Look at me!"

An the sight was indeed interesting. Ed wore a hair peice with puffy orange hair. A big round nose covered his own delicate boyish one, and big red smiling lips were painted just below it. His outfit was orange, red and pink, with green, blue and purple polka dots, with giant gloves, oversized about 4 times the boy's hands. His shoes were about the length of his entire arm, brown and floppy and they made sounds of quacking ducks whenever he took a step. Just outside the door, in the hallway, Al could be heard giggling almost uncontrollably

"Fullmetal, don't worry," Roy said growing serious as though offering the boy support. "I'm giving you these missions...because you're just the idiot to do them!"

Roy burst into another fit of laughing, along with Havoc, who now had a case of hiccups. Ed growled and walked over to a bronze sculpture, taking off the gloves, clapping his hands and transmutingit intofour small balls about 4 inches in diameter. He then turned and faced Roy, juggling them nimbly.

"Wow, that's very good, Fullmetal, you certainly fit the part," Roy said wiping tears from his eyes.

Then Edward got an evil grin on his face, and the angle of juggling changed, forcing the balls to smash into various parts of Roy, one nearly neutering him.

_...beware of flying juggling balls, and make sure your target has not previously attended clown school._


	4. Lesson 3

How To Tick Off Fullmetal (By Roy Mustang)

Lesson 3: _If you require some assisantance in your ever continuing attempt to anger Fullmetal, help of suboordinates may be required._

Example: January 4;

Roy Mustang was on the end of his rope. Ed was getting angrier and angrier by the day. Not only that, but he complained _all the time!_

"Not enough missions," he would say. "This mission sucks, find a new one. Get that milk away from me! Go drool over your miniskirt magazine somewhere else!"

Ok, so maybe missions had gotten somewhat annoying or monotonous, but that was certainly no reason to reject milk so coldly. What a jerk! How could he throw milk at the walls of Roy's office so carelessly? And what's wrong with miniskirts anyways? WOMEN LOOK HOT IN THEM DAMMIT!

With Ed's progressing anger, Roy found it rather difficult to tick him off further. It was kind of like trying to kill a peice of steak. No matter how many more times you stab it, grill it, fry it, or nuke it, it can't get any deader. Roy knew this, he tried. Ed was like that meat...ok, maybe he wasn't a slab of bleeding flesh that, when cooked just right, tasted delicious. He was just short, annoying, and complained far too much.

Roy now paced the floor of his office, frustrated. He had to come up with a plan.

"Think, Mustang. Think already! You have to find a way. Something that can tick everyone off, but it ticks Fullmetal off more just because he takes things too far. That's what happens when you don't drink milk."

As if on cue, Leiutenant Colonel Hughes burst into the door, twirling around as if he were a ballerina.

"Roy!" he chorused, spinning up to his longtime friend. "You have just got to see these pictures of my darling Elicia!"

Hughes took out a mass of photos, about five inches thick and started shoving one after the other in Roy's face, describing each one to him.

"...and this one is when she was sleeping. And this one is when she was sleeping two minutes later. And _this_ one is when she was sleeping three minutes later and this.."

"I get it already!" Roy said throwing up his arms. "You stalk your little girl everywhere she goes to the point where she can't even pee in privacy!"

Roy didn't expect an answer, but when there was a long silence, instead of seeing Maes looking incredibly hurt at the misdirected insult, he was blushing with a big smile on his face.

"How'd you know!" Hughes asked joyfully.

Roy toppled over, then jumped up in Hughes' face.

"You're going to scar that girl for li--" he broke off. An idea struck him then. He smiled coyly and cleared his throat. "Hughes, I'm going to call Fullmetal in here. I want you to show him these pictures. He seems to have low morale for the military lately, and I think he needs to see just what we're fighting for."

"...Pictures?" Maes asked, puzzled.

"No, darn it! The girl! Kids like her! They need a future!"

"Are you just trying to find an excuse to make Edward angry?" Hughes asked.

"No. I'm trying to boost his morale. No follow your orders," Roy said turning around and walking out the door.

* * *

Moments later, Edward walked in, sitting on the couch, expecting some kind of lecture. Well, actually, since he was told Hughes wanted to see him, he was hoping the man had new information on the Philosopher's Stone, but Roy's smirk always made him suspicious.

"Hey Hughes, what's up?" Ed asked casually, playing with a ball of fuzz he plucked from his cloak.

Maes cleared his throat, appearing to be looking very sternly out the window.

"Edward, I have something very important to show you," he said gravely.

Instantly, Ed braced for the worst. His mind first raced to Al. Had something happened to him in the short time it took Ed to go from the hotel room four blocks down the street to here? Or maybe something happened back home, to Auntie Pinako, or Winry? Or perhaps Scar was back or...

"See!"

Ed's thoughts were interrupted by a flood of pictures being jammed in his face.

"See!" Hughes said again, flipping through picture after picture. "She's using the potty all on her own! And here she is, her mommy giving her a bath! And here she is in that little pink dress I bought her!"

Ed hastily pushed the pictures away.

"Dammit! What the hell's going on? Why are you showing me these?"

"Well Ed, we all feel you're...too uptight, and well... DOESN'T THE SIGHT OF MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER MAKE YOU WANNA SMILE!"

With that, Ed stormed out of the room, and slammed into Mustang, who was conveniently on his way back to his office.

"You told him to do that, didn't you?" Ed demanded of Roy.

"And what if I did?" Roy countered.

For a moment, both were silent. Then Ed grumbled and ran out the building, back to the hotel so as not to leave Al for too long. Roy chuckled and walked back into his office, only to be suffocated with more photos.

_An important thing to keep in mind when using subordinates to tick off Fullmetal is that it is very likely that you will suffocate and/or go blind from the flood of pictures from a family crazed officer.

* * *

_

Ok...I don't have much to say except thank you for the reviews...and I'm sorry if this lesson isn't all that amusing, but...you gotta love Hughes ne? Oh, the comedic relief. Until next time/).(\ (\/) 


	5. Lesson 4

Sorry!I haven't really had much inspiration lately, and I've been working on this new FMA poster. The human transmutation circle is hard as hell to draw in its entirity. Anyways, I'm really sorry, but I hope to get up new chapters of The Sins that Bind Us by the end of the weak at least. But it's a busy week for me what with school being off and all. So please, I beg for your patience!

Oh, this section is kinda...'fluffy,' shall we say. I didn't really focus on Roy trying his damndest to tick off Ed, I wanted to come into this...'playful friendship' of theirs. Kinda like...y'know how people always make fun of each other or something, and then they are the best of friends or whatever...something like that. I just wanted Roy and Ed to see each other different. Sorry, I know this section isn't funny and I'm wasting too much time covering my butt for this crappy section. I'll shut up now. /).(\

* * *

How To Tick Off Fullmetal (By Roy Mustang)

Lesson 4: _Sometimes, one must take a break from annoying the Fullmetal pipsqueak, and simply put the lazy bastard to work. Whether that annoys him or not isinterpreted fromdifferent perspective._

Example: May 19;

Roy walked into the sunshine of the bright Saturday afternoon with a grin on his face and an unusual joy in his heart. The day was warm, and the sky blue, and was expected to be this way for the remainder of the weekend.

The yard behind Roy Mustang's house was large, and to the one side was a garden he liked to keep in warmer months. He would often grow vegetables, but now and then, he would plant a few flower seeds, which seemed to spring to life under his seemingly cold hands as if by magic. It always surprised him; how could the hands which had caused so much death in Ishbal bring forth so much life in a garden? It didn't matter to him really. He usually picked these flowers by the dozen, and bought a seemingly endless amount of vases in which to place and arrange them carefully. The next day, he would be the first to arrive at work and place these flowers on Riza Hawkeye's desk, a card leaning against the glass vase saying cute little love poems, but always signed as 'anonymus.'

Now, looking out at the first good day in a while on his day off, Roy Mustang decided it was time to start this year's garden. And so he stepped into a shed just off his house and came out looking ready to go, when he noticed that his planting area had a hell of a lot of weeds and grass. This would just not do. It would take far too long for him to pull it all. There had to be another way...

AHA! There _was_ another way. Fullmetal was off today too, wasn't he? Roy smirked to himself. It was time to put that boy to work.

And so he walked into his house with a big grin upon his face and rung up the hotel room for Fullmetal, asking him to come to his house for an important task. The boy was suspicious, but complied and was at the Colonel's house in less than twenty minutes. His younger brother, Alphonse was close behind him. Roy greeted the boys and handed Al a book about a mystery in an old mansion.

"Here, Alphonse," Roy said casually as though the two were best of friends. "This here is a really good book. You can read it if you like during your stay. There's a nice shady spot under the tree I like to use."

"Oh, um...ok. Thank you, Sir," Al replied as he bowed to Mustang in gratitude. He then turned and walked to the tree, sitting down at its trunk and flipping open the book. If it was possible to do so, Mustang had the feeling there would be a look of contentmentand curiousity on the boy's face.

"Ok, now what? What am I supposed to do?" Ed asked impatiently. He tapped the metal of his prosthetic arm annoyedly with his left index finger. It made a hollow _tap tap tap_ sound.

Roy handedthe boya bag and a small pile of tools. He then grabbed the blonde pipsqueak by the shoulder and led him to where the flowerbed would be.

"I would like for you to clear this area. My flowers will be planted here for the growing season, and I have to deweed the spot for the vegetables. So while I work just over there, you are going to work right here and clear the grass and weeds."

"What the hell do you think I am, a florist?" Ed spat, throwing down the tools. They made a loud clanging sound, and Al was disturbed from his reading for but a moment before he returned his attention to the book.

"No, today, you are my lackey. Now get to work," Roy said alreday tending to his part of the lawn. He was on his hands and knees, with faded and dirty jeans on and a long sleeve white shirt with the sleeves rolled to just below his shoulders. He was wearing a pair of brown gloves, which he used to rip the weeds from their sources of life and threw them into the bag next to him to wither and die. Soon he became uncomfortable with how the heat and the gloves combined made his hands sweat, and he cast the gloves aside, leaving his hands to dirty in the soil.

"Dammit, Roy. I thought you called me for something important."

"This is important. Tell you what. If you help me, You'll get to keep some of the vegetables, and I'll give you some of the flowers, so you can send them to that girlfriend of yours back in Resembool," Roy spoke in a sincere voice. It wasn't like he was trying to find a way to force Ed into it...well ok, maybe he was, but he also was being honest about letting him have part of the crop. To him, there was nothing better than being able to give something to someone you tired over for months.

"Fine, fine," Ed said kneeling down and beginning to tear the weeds from the earth. "But Winry's not my girlfriend. I've known her since I was little. We grew up together. She's practically my sister for goodness sake."

"If you say so," Roy said, recalling just how long ago it was when he had first met Riza. "But to give a woman a gift like flowers, well, it makes them happy. Makes them feel like someone thinks they're special."

"You think so?" Ed asked, turning to Roy for a moment. What was with this man? He was so confusing. One day, he could be trying everything under the sun to make Ed's mood plummet into the bowels of Hell istelf, and now here he was, treating him like a friend, giving him advice.

"Yeah, I do. I usually give these flowers to Riza," Roy admitted in a reserved and concentrated tone. "I don't tell her they're from me, but...the smile she gets on her face to think that someone likes her enough to give her flowers every now and then. It just makes it all the more worthwhile."

It was then that Ed started to snigger. He couldn't help himself. Here was the so-called coldest man in the military, or whatever the hell it was the people referred to emotionless demeanor towards his job,pouring out stuff about love and flowers. If any other man in the military had seen or heard this, they'd have alerted everyone else by now, and Roy would be the laughing stock of the military.

Ed's laughter was cut short as a gardening spade connected with his skull, sending him flying backwards. He quickly regained himself, however, and glared at Roy.

"What the hell was that for, dammit?"

"I don't think it's polite for you to laugh at me when here I offered you a good share of whatever comes out of this garden," Roy replied calmly.

"Yeah, well, how can I help it when the big bag Mustang is talking about flowers and love like a giddy little schoolgirl?" Ed shot back. He was furious that the Colonel was not screaming at him, although he didn't know why.

"Yes, I suppose you're right," Roy said with a melancholy tone. A nastalgic smile crossed his lips.

"Nevermind, forget I said it, ok Mustang?"

Instead of getting forgiveness, Roy answered in a different way.

"People are like flowers, Edward. They bloom brightly, and live short lives, and then wither and die. But it takes a really good person to see just how beautiful and special that flower is, and take the best care of it that they can, because one day, if they leave that flower without water on the hottest day... It's all over, and that beauty is gone for good. Remember that when you go back to Resembool."

"Yeah, I will," Edward said with a small blush blossoming onto his cheeks.

* * *

' Just to have the last plea for my pathetic life, I wanted to say that this was seriously spur of the moment. I have nothing else to do right now...and I wanted to write something about Roy and Ed having some kind of understand...or something. As for the flowers being people part, I sort of got the idea when I spent the night at my friend's house last night and we watched the first FMA DVD. Y'know, with Mahjal trying to bring back his supposedly dead love, who never died and blah blah blah? Yea, well, when Ed commented that people are like roses, I had to agree, but I didn't want to get attacked by government commandoes for copywrite infridgement, so I used flowers. The basic idea of Roy's little speech was for Ed to take opportunity for blossoming love, because if he doesn't...it'll all wither and die away. But I dunno, randomness, y'know? Until next time! Ja ne!


	6. Lesson 5

Upon writing this section, I recieved the following comment from a loyal reader;

OoIT'S THE APOCALYPSE!WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!ROY IS BEING SENTAMENTAL AND ROMANTIC!HOLY SHIT WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!UPDATE SOON WHILE I RUN TO CREATE A BOMBSHELTER!grabs Envy and creates a bombshelter out of steel and whatever Armstrong's knuckle things are made ofWE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! Comment made by BloodFlavoredDoghnutsRoxMySox

And you're probably right. But that's ok. We all need a good end of the world scare now and then, ne? I just want to say, thank you everyone for the wonderful reviews I've recieved, and I want to thank readers like BloodFlavoredDoghnutsRoxMySoxand other for keeping up with my work so faithfully. I also want to thank you all for the death threats. OO Without them, I would not have had as much drive to write more for this story especially. There is no motivation like protecting yours or someone else's life, I always say!

* * *

How to Tick off Fullmetal (By Roy Mustang)

Lesson 5: _Sometimes, it is good to know all the people that your target has come in contact with, as 99.99 of the time, that person had made fun of his size at least once._

Example: April 14;

"I see, so you met Fullmetal during his three year excursion in his search for the stone?" Roy asked, looking over his notes.

"Yes, that's right. We had dealings with him and his brother a couple of years back," replied the tall blond haired boy.

"I liked Edward's brother! He was really nice," said the younger one, fiddling with his cap. Although he was in the protection of his elder brother, young Fletcher Tringham couldn't help but feel uneasy in the presence of someone in the military such as Roy Mustang. As though sensing his brother's anxiety, Russel Tringham but an arm around his brother's shouldre in a light brotherly embrace.

"I see. Was it not you two who were posing as Fullmetal and Alphonse and experimenting with red water to make Philosopher's Stones which made the townspeople of Xenotimesick?"

Fletcher blanched and Russel cleared his throat with his free hand before speaking.

"Yes, that was us."

"I see. And just how old are you, Russel?"

"14. One year younger than Edward."

"And did you ever make fun of his height?"

"Yes. Where are you going with this anyways?"

"Nowhere. Everything's perfect. Fullmetal should be arriving soon," Roy said as he stood.

"Is Al coming, too?" Fletcher asked eagerly.

"More than likely. Fullmetal never goes anywhere without Alphonse."

"YAY!" ignoring his anxiety, Fletcher jumped up, anxious to see Alphonse again.

As if on cue, Edward and Alphonse Elric walked into Roy Mustang's office. Instantly, Fletcher squealed in excitment as he clung to Al's arm.

"Yay! Alphonse, you're here!" the young boy said.

"Yes, I am. It's good to see you, Fletcher. How have you been? You look like you've gotten taller since I've last seen you."

While the younger brothers reminisced and caught up, the elder brothers shook hands and sat on the couch, speaking quietly.

"So, Edward, have you found anything new about the stone?" Russel asked casually.

"Yeah, but it's not the best of information. Turns out human lives have to be sacrificed to make a complete stone," Ed replied, his eyes downcast.

Roy smiled, hoping this would go right and sat at his desk, waiting.

"That's going to make it all the harder. So what do you plan on doing?"

"I don't know. I suppose we'll have to find new leads and take it from there."

A puzzled look grew on Russel's face and he stood, when he spoke, his voice was serious.

"Edward, stand up."

Wary, he stood. Russel looked him over and smiled. Roy grinned. He knew this was coming.

"You haven't grown a centimeter since we last met, have you?" Russel accused.

Ed's hair fell over his eyes, and his body shook a little. You could almost see the veins pulsing in his head.

"Dammit! Did you come all the way here just to make fun of me!"

A silly grin passed Russel's face as he dodged a left thrown by Ed.

"Maybe!"

And so the fight commenced, and Roy burst into uncontrollable laughter. It was amazing sometimes how this had turned out. Al and Fletcher sitting on the sidelines, trying to get their elder brothers to stop while the older ones were throwing punches and kicks left and right. And he had front row seats.

Just then, Edward came flying out of the fight and right into Roy, and both men tumbled out the window, Roy landing on his back and Ed landing on him. He was passed out for three hours afterwards, only to be screamed at by Edward for inducing such an incident.

_One thing to beware of; flying pipsqueaks._


	7. Lesson 6

How To Tick Off Fullmetal (By Roy Mustang)

Lesson 6: _Even Fullmetal's enemies can be allies...when it comes to ticking him off._

Example: October 27.

Roy was running out of options. His humour only went so far, and there was only so little of Edward's height to make fun of. The centimetres were running low, and they were low to begin with!

Following the descriptions Edward gave him and a lot of help, Roy somehow managed to track down the person Edward referred to as "Envy."

For some reason, this Envy seemed very willing to cooperate with the Colonel. He agreed to come into the headquarters under special guard for an interview. However, there was one condition the Colonel insisted he adhere to:

"I need you to at least dress appropriately."

So, when the day came, extra security was placed near Roy's office, and Envy was escorted in. When the door was opened, Roy surprised by what he saw; walking in was a beautiful young man with amethyst eyes, long dark locks, and a soft face. He had a slender, strong build covered by a sleek black suit. Everyone outside was looking at him in wonder and the girls were blushing. All the girls, of course, except Riza, who stayed in the office with Roy. Although she regarded Envy's appearance favourably, she was aware of what he was and kept herself on guard.

Roy stood to greet the homunculus with a shake of the hand. He found Envy's hand to be soft, and pleasant.

"Thank you for coming, Envy. I'm sure you're wondering why you're here and we haven't arrested you yet," Roy said, indicating the seat across from his desk.

"Indeed," Envy replied, taking a seat. A terrible smirk cross his lips. "What could the military possibly want with a homunculus that doesn't involve an arrest, interrogation, and experimentation?"

"Well, you see..." Roy paused in a manner that made even the seemingly careless homunculus lean in closer. "I want you to tell me about your encounters with Edward Elric."

Envy's smile disappeared, and then he suddenly burst into laughter.

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, not at all. You see, I'm writing a book about how to tick him off, and I would great appreciate your help."

If Riza was as flabbergasted as Envy was, she didn't show it.

"You're serious!" Envy remarked after regarding Roy for a moment. "Who'd have thought that someone would actually write such a book!"

Roy paused, embarrassed for a moment. "It's...a bit of a hobby.."

After long laughter, Envy slid his hair out of his face.

"Alright. I'll help you. This is going to be one interesting book..."

Just as the discussion began, Edward burst into the office. Riza, reacting to what she believed to be a homunculus attack to retrieve Envy, aimed her gun directly at Edward's forehead. He screamed and ducked for cover.

"What the hell are doing?!"

Riza let her gun down.

"Sorry, Edward."

Edward stood and looked up to see Envy sitting at the Colonel's desk. He stood and pointed an angry, confused finger at Envy.

"What the hell is he doing here?!"

"Aaahhhh, Hagane-no-Chibi! I was hoping to see you, my little pipsqueak!" Envy exclaimed, standing and outstretching his arms as though ready for a hug.

"Quit calling me pipsqueak you freaking palm tree! Mustang, what the hell is a homunculus doing here?! He's the enemy!!" Edward said, backing away defensively from Envy.

"Yes well, right now, he's source for my book," Roy replied plainly.

"You're still going on with that bull?! And you've enlisted the help of _him_?! What were thinking?!"

"I was thinking about ratings, Fullmetal. It's was every professional writer thinks about."

Even Riza stifled a laugh at this reply.

"Ratings?! Are you serious?" Edward sank against the wall. "I hate you really bad, I hope you know that. Really. From the bottom of my heart. It's all black with hate, specially reserved for you, Mustang."

"What about me, Pipsqueak?" Envy complained. "Don't I get some hate, too?"

"Of course, Envy," Edward said, running towards him. "Right here!"

Edward threw a punch at Envy, only for the homunculus to dodge it, grab his arm and engulf the little alchemist in a hug. With a kiss on the cheek, he spun Edward away from him and began to walk out the door.

"Little brothers are so cute!" Envy said as he exited the office. "Really, Colonel, it's been fun! We _must_ do it again sometime! Just give me a call!"

With that, Envy was gone. Edward, Riza and Roy all stood dumbfounded. Edward was the first to respond to the event that had just occured.

"That _thing_ kissed me!!!" He clapped his hands and transmuted the wrist plate of his automail arm into a blade, aiming it at the spot Envy's lips had touched. "I'll cut it off!"

It took Roy, Riza and two other officers to stop Edward from cutting up his face in disgust.

_Some encounters are just plain creepy..._

* * *

Okay, so here is Lesson 6. I know, I haven't written for this in a very very long time, and to be honest, I wasn't planning to. But when I took at all the reviews and all the requests for more...and the fact that I had my homework for tomorrow finished, I decided to give you all more! I hope you enjoyed it. More may come...eventually. Until next time, Ja ne! 

Words of Wisdom: Do not rely soley on your fleet of land piranhas to control a rebellion, because the yogurt chomp is a fearsome thing indeed, and you deathfish do not stand a chance...


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